10 Resolutions for the Sports World in 2010

If I could control the sporting universe, here's how the world would improve:

10. NFL: Overtime will no longer suck.
There is no sport with a more anti-climatic overtime than professional football. It's basically: who wins the coin toss? You guessed heads? Here's your field goal, you win.

College football is true to the sport. Its overtime is about big plays, tit for tat, and coming through in the clutch. I just wish the NFL would follow the NCAA in this one regard. It may make you want to actually watch overtime instead of kicking your children and swearing never to watch football again.

9. American Major League Soccer: We will stop trying to exist.
MLS in the states is like the retarded girl that has a crush on you. She's always trying to get your attention in awkward and annoying ways; like poking you in the eye and licking your feet. You try to be polite and pretend you don't want to strangle her to death.

It's not that I dislike soccer and I certainly don't dislike retards, but they both have their proper place: Europe and poor countries.

8. MLB: We will institute instant replay.
This is a no brainer. Get with the times.

7. Boston Celtics: We will get Leon Powe back.
There's not much to this except that I miss Leon. He was probably the highest production per minute guy and now he's in the hands of a rival. Arrrrrggggh!

6. Major League Baseball Players Association: We will make like soccer and cease to exist.

The players union is worse than a yuppie mother from Beverly Hills the way it protects the spoiled overpaid prima donnas of MLB. Wanna get rid of steroids? Well, tough sh*t, it violates players "privacy." Wanna set a salary cap so the Yankees can't continue to ruin baseball? We'll strike.

If we could just get rid of the union, baseball might be somewhat enjoyable and competitive again.

5. NBA: We will allow an instant replay challenge similar to football.
It may give whining coaches more reason to whine, but what the heck, it'd be interesting. There is nothing wrong with holding the refs accountable for their calls. It may spur a flight of corrupt point shaving refs, but I'm sure Vegas would find a way to manage.

4. Boston Celtics: We will hire a snipper to take out Kobe's knees... and shoot him in the nuts while we're at it.
I believed the Celtics could beat the Lakers in 2008 and I believe they can beat them in 2010. I just hate Kobe Bryant and would be happy if he were kneeless and nutless.

3. Robert Kraft: I will actually spend some money on the Patriots.
I hate to see the Jets become slowly more stacked than the Pats. I'm not saying Kraft has to go all "Yankees" on us, but at least try and keep up. The Pats keep letting talent retire or sign away.

Meanwhile, Kraft keeps blowing money on the Columbia University football team. In case you didn't know Columbia is the Detroit Lions of Ivy League football. They hold the record for the second most consecutive losses, 44, in college Division I-AA. Trying to hoist Columbia from the basement of the Ivy is a long and nearly impossible task.

So Kraft, I know you got love for the alma mater, but keep your hobbies separate from your work.

2. NFL: We will publicly feed Michael Vick to a pack of starving pits.
This guy has become like the awkward X-girlfriend who moves in next door. Why won't he just go away? For some bizarre reason, the Eagles picked him up and seem to insist on continually rubbing him in everyone's face. Just last week, the Eagles' players nominated Vick as the Eagles' recipient for the Ed Block Courage Award. At first, it was thought to be a sick practical joke, but after a series of tests it turned out that the Eagles' players were technically retarded.